Try so hard to get out of the way of that runaway train.

music: incubus



Why the urge to update this? It is the middle of the night, and I am wide awake. My hours of sleep are by no means normal or standard. I grab pieces of sleep here and there. Up early enough to have it still be dark out, and sleeping while the sun is still bright in the sky. A writer's work is never done, and that is what I am. The past twelve months have been a combination of highs and lows. Good and bad mixes all together. I didn't know at this time last year that I was spending the last few months I would with my father. November 11th came and took him from me. He became ill before that, but it was still sudden. We didn't really know how bad it was until October hit because he decided to hide the fact he was that sick from my brother and I. Watching someone you love go from the strong man that was working until he was 83 to the man that can't even get out of bed to walk the short distance from his bed to the bathroom is a hard thing to do.



My brother and I watched our father wither away right in front of us, and there was nothing we could do to stop it. We took him to the hospital, and five days later there was a cop at our door telling us he had died. The hospital said they couldn't reach us by phone when the phone hadn't rang once that night. The events since his death sound like a bad horror novel. His body was lost. We still don't have his ashes or a death certificate. No service with loved ones was had. Not that my father cared about any of that. He wanted to be somewhere else. He wanted to be with my mother. She died sixteen years ago, and he was waiting for the day that he could be with her again. He is with her now. I am confident of that.



Since his death, my brother and I have worked to keep things together. Working freelance seems to be feast or famine, but I do okay. I could live on my own in a room or small apartment somewhere, but my brother and I stick it out together. We have our tempers and our angry moments, but things are good about 80% of the time. It is us and the cat. My life is spent writing. Working to make ends meet. Missing my father and my mother that left us long before him. I haven't spoken to my one brother in months, and I don't know how long we'll even have him on this planet with health and heart condition.



Life goes on. Some days are harder than others. Some days try to break me. The death was too sudden. It left this huge whole. At least with my mother, she was ill for years before her body finally gave out. My father kept the fact he had emphysema to himself. His lungs were destroyed slowly, and he smoked until weeks before his death. Thing is he knew what he was doing. We didn't. PSA of the day. Don't smoke. It does kill. My father is proof of that. Yes, life does go on, but it is the heart that breaks a little bit day by day. I go on though.

Moody Monday - 4/12/10 - Water

Back From The Dead - Maybe - Maybe Not.

It has been a long time since I've written in here. A long time since I've even logged in here. When I made this blog five years ago, I didn't think it would last a week. Here it sits five years later with way too many memories attached to it. I hate that it just sets here, but time is short, and I don't remember this blog first anymore. I even forget my twitter account half the time!

I'm on Twitter. I now have a Tumblr as well. I am still writing with Gather as one of their social writers. I started with that site in October, and I am quite happy covering entertainment and celebrity gossip topics for them. I'm finally doing what I set out to do almost ten years ago. I'm finally making a livable monthly income from my writing. It is hard work, but I see the numbers and that hard work paying off now. If things continue on this way, I could afford my own place and live on my own. That isn't in my plans though because I'm here to take care of dad. I can just help out more now with the stable income I have coming in. Knocks on wood that it stays that way.

As for Today.com, I am no longer writing my blogs for them. I stopped writing them in January when the company went to rev share only payment plan. That is unpredictable, and I'd rather know for sure I am making money each month than counting on advertising and clicks. I enjoyed my time at Today, and I enjoyed the blogs I wrote for that site. My focus is now on Gather though.

My days are busy and full, and I miss my fiction writing efforts. It comes down to having enough time to do it all at the end of the day, but I tell myself to give fiction another go. Did send out a short story in August, but it wasn't accepted. I know my fiction needs work.

Personally, things are better. A few rough spots here and there, but that is life. My days are spent working, taking care of dad, spoiling my cat, and living life. I'm going to try to make more of an effort to update here. We'll see if I can manage it. I did add my Tumblr feed to my sidebar here. I do update that often, and my Gather posts filter through it as well if you want to keep up on the latest in entertainment!

I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution.

music: jack's mannequin "the resolution"

Things should be good. Things should be better than good. They should be great, and in many ways they are, but as it often happens one thing manages to screw everything else. It doesn't matter that you have so many freaking things to be happy about, you want this one thing too. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I want or expect too much out of people. I expect things to work our like they are meant to, but sometimes it takes me longer to realize how they are meant to work out and how I want them to work out are two entirely different things.

Friendships are hard, but relationships are harder. They are not my favorite thing. I'll admit it. I'm the quiet one in the corner. The girl that has talked to the same people for years because they have somehow managed to stick around for it all. Those are the ones that I depend on. I had one friend, a girl I met when she was 17, and she was the biggest brat. She still is, but we don't talk anymore. As much as I cared about her, it would never work. A friendship would never work, but there are still moments I'll think about her and I'll miss her.

I know how to reach out and find her if I want to. She is right at my fingertips, a quickly typed email and we would be reconnected, but I always hold back from it. I look back at the past, and no matter how good it might have been, there was too much bad. That bad outweighed everything else. This weekend was one of those times I wanted to reach out, but I didn't. Everything in my life is so crazy.

I have this friend. One I was hoping would become more, but too much going on, too much stress, and too much ... everything just got in the way. It still is. Just when I think it might be okay and it might settle down and be alright. Something else comes up. It is a circle, always repeating. The same bullshit there. I'm tempted to walk away completely. My friends tell me I'm crazy and I need to just end it all and walk away, but I'm stubborn. I don't give up easily.

It took me six years to give up on the other friend in my life. I don't want to be doing this for six years. I can't take it. My heart can't take it. I put so much into the people in my life. I put just as much into my writing and the characters I create. I love to write. I love the connections I've made while writing, and some of those people are my closest friends now. I'm one that is too often lost in my own head, lost in the characters I've created, the ones I've put time and effort and heart into, breathed them into life. I want to write more, but my moods are on a roller coaster.

I know I need to get off, but at the same time I'm not so willing to just give up and throw in the towel. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, and I don't know how to break away without walking away completely. Doing that just hurts, and I don't want to be the girl a year ago wanting to reach out and missing someone with this new person in my life. I don't have the solution or the answers and I wish I did.

Finding My Way Back To Sanity

music: lifehouse "breathing"

Four and a half years ago when I first started this blog, I didn't think it would still be here. No, I don't write it in like I used to, but I want to change that. The thing I loved most about blogging is that I can say anything I want here. It is my safe place. My opinions, my thoughts, my dreams all reside here. It is me being me here. The Internet can be a crazy place. I've met a lot of people here on the Internet. I've tried to date people online, but it never seems to work. Not sure who fault that is. My own? The other side of the equation. It is hard to really tell. At the end of the day, we're all looking for someone to love us. Love us for the person we are. The good and the bad. I hide who I am a lot, but here I don't.

I'm just a woman writing a blog. I'm thirty-three years old, and I live in Arizona with my dad and my brother. We have a cat that is turning four in a few months. We didn't think he would last a month. He was a pound kitty, and he became ill the week after we brought him home. I had just him a week, but I stayed by his side until the worst of it passed. I haven't had the best of luck with cats. Bobo ran around close to four years ago now, and JJ died two years ago this month. Both broke my heart. Mikey is my little angel baby though.

I've had a lot going on the past couple of months. I've been exhausted, stressed, sick, and more. I tried and failed with someone, and now I can barely talk to her. That happens in life. I'm just tired of it happening. I'm being distracted by conversation with someone, so more soon!

Capricorn - 30 Seconds To Mars

And my last song to share with you is Capricorn by 30 Seconds To Mars. The group led by Jared Leto. I've been a fan of their music since I first heard Echelon played over the end credits of The Core, a movie most of you might not be familiar. I fell in love with the song though, and I am more than excited for their next record, This Is War. That should be heading into stores in October, a few weeks before the release of the latest record from my all-time favorite Bon Jovi. The Circle will hit stores on November 10th. I can't wait for either release!



Edit: This Is War release date is November 24th, and somehow my blog has been labeled as a spam blog in their system. Four years with this blog, and that is so strange.

The Fray - Heartless

Yes, I know this is a cover, and it is one of the best covers I've seen in quite some time. I was able to see The Fray live in concert back in July. It was one of the best shows I have seen in quite some time. This cover performed live owned me, and after just watching this video for the song, I only love it anymore. The Fray is definitely one of my top three bands, and this cover is one of the reasons.